A lonely struggle: Nine mothers share the mental health challenges they faced during ‘the happiest time of their lives’ (2023)

From day zero to 10, I was showing all the symptoms of a woman with postpartum psychosis. So the list is: a woman is unable to sleep, having hallucinations, delusions, elated.

So all the criteria I was fitting. My personality was ten times my personality. So, I was severely hyper, severely enthusiastic, and I had verbal diarrhea.

And when it came to the services taking me to the mother and baby unit, I wouldn't let them take me.

Between day five to day 10, nobody was understanding me. No one was listening. I kept on telling everyone, “You're not listening”. And I might have been raising my voice at everyone.

I was doing bizarre behavior. One instance, I was thirsty, so I chucked a whole jug of water over my head, and I was just doing lots of bizarre behavior. I poured a whole bottle of oil all over myself because my body was aching.

So, I had logic behind what I was doing, but the way I was carrying out the behavior was a bit bizarre.

I’d never heard of postpartum psychosis. So I was feeling a bit frustrated, confused, didn't know who to trust, didn't know why I was there. Because I was ill, but I didn't know how ill I was.

I was there and I was just thinking the whole time I didn't want my baby to be taken away from me. I was having separation anxiety. And apparently, even though I was really ill, I was still looking after my baby quite well.

They said in the beginning, I'll get worse and then get better. And that's how it is. And that's exactly what happened.

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The fears continue in me. Time goes by. I don’t feel 100%. There are days of improvement, but there are more bad days.

I understand and see everything around me as a wonder, but I can’t internalize it.

I know that I have a good man by my side, an excellent companion, a daughter who is extraordinarily healthy and beautiful. An incredible family network.

But I can’t get to feel well. I feel fear, anguish, shortness of breath at times.

Sometimes my hands sweat, and my shoulders hurt. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I can’t get out alive from this.

I don’t want to think about trying to take my own life again. But yes, it is a thought that is in me and recurring.

I feel very sad. I feel this is never going to pass.

I feel in a dark, sad and deep hole.

I wish all this would go away. I feel that everyone judges me, but at the same time I look around me and I see everyone so normal that I realize that they are only my thoughts.

I'm a monster. That's how I feel. I'm a wolf. That's how I feel. I feel like the worst person in the world. I don’t know what to call this anymore. I know it’s postpartum depression, but I’d like to get out of it quickly.

My God, I don't know why. I don't know where to follow this path that suffocates me, that overwhelms me, that takes away my sleep.

And it freaks me out. I don't want to live on medication like a crazy person.

Okay, okay. I know I'm not a crazy person. I know I'm just a depressed mom.

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I never thought about what could happen mentally or that mental transition to becoming a mother.

I think our society talks about motherhood in a language that's about being a good mother, is about being self-sacrificing, it's about being endlessly giving.

And sometimes when you don't feel that way, or if you're not acting in that way, you can feel like a failure. You can feel that you're not a good mother. That can be incredibly isolating.

Something that I wasn't prepared for was that becoming a mother, in gaining a role, you also lose a part of yourself.

Suddenly, it's not just, you're not just you, you're also someone in relation to another person.

And that sense of responsibility was really immediate, and it felt really heavy, especially after something as physical as going through labor and childbirth, and that you don't have time to think about what that transformation means.

Postpartum psychosis is incredibly rare, but I think the things that I felt and the things I struggled with are things that are really universal for all mothers.

And I think part of the reason why there's such a stigma and shame around postpartum psychosis in particular, is that it breaks that ultimate taboo, which is that as a mother I broke, I was not just a danger to myself, but I was also a danger to my child.

I lost all sense of time. I lost all sense of reality. I thought that I was a character in Dante's Inferno, and that I was in a computer simulation of hell.

I thought that my son's eyes looked like the eyes of the devil. And by the time that my husband took me to the hospital, I was stripping off my clothes, attacking the nurses, and screaming that we were all in hell. I was separated from my son and kept in a general psychiatric ward where I was given antipsychotic medication.

I would stay separated from my son for about ten days and then I was released with only a prescription, and not really any instructions for aftercare.

I think it leads also to that misconception that, that idea that being a mother should be something that's natural. It should come naturally when actually I don't think that's true.

It's something that we have to learn and it's something, if it doesn't feel natural, then that doesn't mean that we're failing as mothers.

From when I had my son, I had a very complicated labor, and when I was talking about it with people, it would always end with, but of course, it was all worth it, which I think is language that often we are expected to use.

And, perhaps it diminishes the magnitude of what it means to give birth. Of what it means to become a mother.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in that Korean tradition of caring and focusing on the mother's health that I ignored because I didn't recognize what that was. And actually, it is that as a mother, it's important to also care for yourself, to give yourself moments of focusing on yourself.

Often you are so focused on the baby, you're so focused on making sure that the baby is okay, that actually it's to a detriment to your health, physically and also mentally.

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During pregnancy, the obstetrical checks always revolved around my physical condition and that of the baby, but I never received a question about how I felt, how I was, how I was doing or just like how I was sleeping at night.

The day of delivery arrived. I gave myself to what had to happen without much information and with enough fears, but with faithful conviction and idealization that whatever happens, when I supported my baby on my chest, it was going to be the happiest moment of my life.

The truth is that these idealizations are of enormous weight and what they only do is to feed guilt, not to feel what they really should feel, to not know how to resolve how they should or do not have that maternal instinct that everyone believes that women must have.

After 11 hours of labor my son is born. And my first concern was precisely that when they put my son on the chest there was nothing about that ideal moment that they had told me about connection and love at first sight.

On the contrary, I felt exhausted, confused and guilty. Already before leaving the delivery room, I already felt guilty for not feeling what they had told me what I should feel, not feeling completely full and happy that I had given birth.

I remember arriving and leaving my son in the crib and starting to cry non-stop, sitting on the bed. I was overwhelmed by enormous anguish that I could not control or understand.

There was no apparent reason or cause for such distress. But my husband comforted me by saying that it was a hormonal issue and that it was going to happen. The famous baby blues.

The days went by and I was distressed. I was feeling worse and worse. My crying persisted. The lack of attention, the memory.

Things as simple as choosing the clothes to wear. I couldn't do them anymore.

In the midst of this panorama was also breastfeeding. Another, not minor issue. Nothing happened in the idealized way I had in my head. It was a long way from an act of love. It was more like fighting and torture every time I had to put it (the baby) on my chest.

In this chaotic context, I'm going back to work. But it was for the worse. I had no memory. I didn't remember anything. I had no concentration and I couldn't stand the comments below either.

This was my most resounding failure. I had placed all my hopes on finding myself again.

Work was the center of my life before giving birth, but now I couldn't fit into this new work environment, nor at home. So what was I?

What did I do with my life? I didn't feel like a professional or a mother. I was feeling trapped. I began to have strong suicidal ideations.

I no longer had the slightest hope of getting out of that daily nightmare.

One day I couldn't stand it anymore, not being part of my son's life and feeling a hindrance. I thought my son and family would be better off without me.

I took a few sleeping pills in the hope of not waking up anymore.

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Eating in that period was the hardest thing ever. There were days we went to bed with no food. You can just imagine a pregnant woman staying the whole day with no food.

It was horrible.

During my labor pains, it was around 12:30 a.m. No car, no bikes were on the road as there was a ban on movement of vehicles.

I had to travel with my husband to the hospital. A far distance. I thought I will put to (give) birth on the road, but God so kind and managed the pain. I got to the hospital.

After I put to birth, nothing changed. Our house was near the Carrefour, where most of the shooting was taking place. We had to go to the bush to hide. We are exposed to mosquitoes and several things.

I felt pity for my child, as all my effort was concentrated to save him.

No good food in the bushes, no good water, no good place to lay your head and nothing to protect yourself and that of your child.

My child got sick at one point. I thought I would lose him.

Life was too difficult.

I had these terrible thoughts in my head, which I was fighting alone with. I couldn't explain it to anyone, not even to my husband.

It got me restless.

When struggling with my thoughts, I asked so many questions, like: Why did my mother abandon me and never came back? Why did I accept to get married? Why did I just get pregnant so easily? How are we going to manage to take care of the child? Will I become a good mother? Will I be able to love and care for this child? What if I fail being a mother?

I wonder if I'll ever be able to go back to school after being a mother.

The crisis, too, added as the insecurity increased. I felt so lonely during that time.

Unconsciously, the too many thoughts changed my behavior in the house, especially towards my husband as he noticed how unhappy I was.

I had to battle with my thoughts alone, as I had no one to talk to.

At some point, it got worse and I had to share some of my thoughts with my husband as I couldn't bear it alone.

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When I first became a mother, I felt good. Finally, I had also become a mother.

I have been ridiculed for not having a child to date. I used to feel bad.

But after I became a mother,I used to cook and take water from rice starch.

I started feeding him rice starch mixed with water and sugar from his bottle.

Once he was three monthsold,I started giving him biscuits soaked in water.

I fought as well because I just didn’t want my baby to stay hungry.

I continued with starch water and biscuits. I used to tell my parents and brothers to help me financially, but they felt giving money was not easy, they would fear if I would spend the money on feeding the child. They were not financially well off, none of them have any governmentjob, but they used to send some milk packets, and I survived with them for a long time.

I also couldn't sleep. For instance, if I would go to bed at 8pm, I'd be up by 10, 11, 12 and I would wonder what I would do tomorrow. What will I eat? What will my child eat? And how would I do anything? How would I go for a shower if it rains?

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As a mother we face certain difficulties during pregnancy. Sometimes it might be difficult to get pregnant.

Sometimes it ends up giving the pressure to the mother, if you fail to get pregnant in that expected time.

When you are pregnant, there are certain challenges as well that may arise. You might get sick. There are certain changes about your body, about everything. You need to endure those pains.

Even those surrounding you could not understand how we are feeling, how we are taking it through.

During that scan, that's when we observed that the baby was a girl. But this did not go well with the father because he was expecting a boy.

So, he was so devastated. He was so heartbroken.

I was so shocked, and I was so surprised. But when you find out that your partner is no longer interested in this, then you begin to think: "So what am I going to do with this baby?"

You try to analyze everything. You try to analyze every moment.

How am I going to provide for this baby alone? Am I going to provide the best for that child? Am I going to love that baby? Will the father as well love that baby?

So, you try to think of ways and try to analyze. But at the end of the day, you come up with nothing.

My whole body was in pain. I was even struggling to walk, especially the lower body was in too much pain. As if the baby was about to come, but it wasn't time for labor.

Even my heart, itwasn't working properly at that time. I wasn't breathing normally. It was a difficult situation.

I was in such pain that I couldn't understand, as if I was under a spiritual attack.

I went for a counselling session and she helped me a lot.

I believe a mother is a special thing because she's the only one who is capable of loving the children more.

She's capable of giving or providing love.

The more a mother is happy, the more the baby gets.

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I'm not 100% myself, and it's been five months since I have had a baby. Some of the thoughts I had, were just like I'm not a good mom and how can I be a good mom when all I do is cry all day and can't even get up to shower, eat?

I wanted this baby so bad and I love her so much. And my fear was that she was going to hate me for bringing her into this world, and basically taking myself out of it.

The meds weren't working. Therapy wasn't working. You know, doctors couldn't figure it out and I just couldn't live like this.

That was in my mind the whole time. And in my mind, the only option to make it stop was to end it.

But I was, and I am, actually scared to die. And I was also scared to live without my kid.

I don't think mothers are supported physically and psychologically here. I actually had to wait almost three to four months to see a psychiatrist here. Some moms don't have three months. You know, I was fortunate to be able to make it to those three months. You know, someone would actually lose the battle with it.

Over here, if you hospitalize yourself, you're most likely to go to a mental institution with an entire different range of mental illnesses. It's not specifically for postpartum alone.

It's just amazing to me, like the lack of support we receive. It's just unbelievable. I think it makes it difficult for moms to even be able to speak up because, you know, there's not enough resources out there or research or support. And, you know, why are you going to want to tell your story or tell how you're feeling when half the time you feel like you're judged or you're not going to get the help you need?

Some days it takes a lot just to even be okay. Not great. Not better. Just okay. And on those days, I can't deal with therapy, and falling apart all over again.

Unfortunately, taking care of my mental health isn't always my top priority as bad as it sounds.

I feel like most days were a blur just going through the motions, especially the first three months. All I really remember doing is crying and crying. I didn't want to sleep or eat, but just cry, and I would constantly beg God for help.

Unfortunately, this is the time that I'll never get back, and I'm not sure if my kids will 100% remember it, but unfortunately I do.

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Having heard about it [sudden infant death syndrome,] I began to worry about what would happen if my baby died while I was sleeping.

It made me very anxious and I couldn't sleep well. A public health nurse came to my house at the end of September and recommended that I go to a clinic.

I was examined in early October. It sounded like postpartum depression, but the doctor wasn't a specialist, so he didn't seem to understand it well.

The doctor told me to start with herbal medicine because I can't take medicine while breastfeeding, so I started treatment using herbal medicine.

I felt better for a while, but after two weeks, I drastically started to feel depressed.

I was filled with nothing but thoughts of wanting to disappear. I couldn't sleep at all.

My family told me to come back home, so I went back.

It's reassuring to have my mother nearby, who is a senior in child-rearing. It also helped that my mother did the housework. It was very helpful.

I think it was reassuring to be able to think together about child-rearing, why they cry so much, whether they're hot or cold, and not worry alone.

Due to the influence of COVID, there were few opportunities to learn, they would tell us to watch a video and learn about bathing at maternity hospitals, and maternity classes for pregnant women were mostly cancelled, and they were only available online. Learning opportunities were very limited.

The impact of COVID was huge.

I wish there was a facility for mothers where they could get support at any time in a more comfortable way.

I'm in a medical profession, but I was embarrassed to have a mental illness, and I couldn't tell my friends that I had postpartum depression.

This time, I realized that there is a culture that makes people feel embarrassed about mental problems. I couldn't really talk about it.

I think it would be nice if Japan became a little more tolerant of mental problems, and I think it would be nice to have a place to learn more about mental illness.

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